I Hate You, Time!!!

I've been bereft of a solid sense of time for the past couple of months. You'd think that getting back to work would rectify that. Alas, no. I woke up thinking it was the 28th today. And a few hours into the day, when I realized it was the 27th, I was...perturbed would be the best word.

You see, good folks, May 28th, 2008, is a very special day. It's Ian Fleming's 100th birthday. The centenary of the man who gave you, me, all of us (but mostly me) the coolest character of them all.

I give it to you in five words. The name's Bond. James Bond.

It's also the day that sees the release of the first new Bond novel in 6 years, Devil May Care by Sebastian Faulks writing as Ian Fleming. A nice touch, that last bit. I've been looking forward to this book for a long time, mostly because it supposedly takes place immediately after Fleming's work. It's Bond at the end of his rope, and that's the place where he's the most interesting, be it in the books or the films.

BUT I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW. AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH.

I'll post a longer entry on Bond either tomorrow or over the weekend. Seems like I should write up a little something, no?


Read: Devil May Care by Sebastian Faulks writing as Ian Fleming
Watch: Casino Royale (dir. Martin Campbell, 2006)
Listen to: On Her Majesty's Secret Service, by John Barry

Innocuous Toilet Humor

For those of you eagerly awaiting the footage of my skydive, be patient with me. Don't, like, boycott my blog or anything. (Lou!!!!!)

I need to do some editing, and with my new job, I haven't exactly had the time.

All that said, because I can't let a whole week go by without posting, here's a quick bit o' potty-funny. No worries, kids; it's quite harmless.

We've all seen our fair share of writing on privy walls, most of it spectacularly offensive and creatively, you know, bankrupt.

Every once in a while, when I see something that sets off my bizarrometer, I take a picture of it with my cell phone camera (which is what that particular invention was designed to capture).

Apologies for the focus. Needless to say, I snapped this under, shall we say, adverse conditions.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the most innocuous stall scrawl I've ever seen.



Alright, good people.

It's late. I'm tired. And there's so much left to do.

And I'll be shocked as hell if anyone can tell me what movie I'm quoting with those past three sentences.

Up Yours, Gravity!

Today, I jumped out of a plane from a little over 12,000 feet.

Video will be posted forthwith.

Life's Certainties

There are few things of which I'm certain. Here are three:

1) The word "the" possesses an unmatchably innate hilarity. If you don't believe me, check out this classic clip from The Daily Show. (Go to the bottom of the page to turn off the tunes.) For those of you in a hurry, the "the" moments are at 2:03 and 5:10. However, you owe it to yourself to watch the entirety of this expose of my home state.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-may-9-2005/wiltfong---no-child-s-sweet-behind

2) The word "savvy" is ceaselessly useful as an interrogative. If you don't believe me, check out almost ANY WESTERN.

3) The third certainty? I am in need of the sleep. Savvy?

Read: Illustration Magazine (info at http://www.illustration-magazine.com/)
Watch: Man of the Century (dir. Adam Abraham, 1999)
Listen to: My new playlist, which is located at the bottom of the page for those of you who need to turn it off while you read.

We Hardly Knew Ye, Twenties!

So...if 40 is the new 20, does that make 30 the new 10? And if so, what the hell does that even mean?

Hopefully, no more hair in strange places.

A brief post in honor of the big 3-0. Funny...every time I see the age with dashed digits, it's like I'm looking at a scoreboard and not sure who's playing. I just know that it's a shutout.

Anyway, 12 things I'd like to do in the next decade:

1. Muster up the nerve to give up on or walk out of movies when they suck.
2. Listen to music that's happier, yet still cool. (Any suggestions would be helpful, kids.)
3. Take my first piano lesson.
4. Get back to fencing. (That's swordfighting, kids. Not moving stolen goods.)
5. Do a bit of boxing.
6. Fake my own death. (Because, really, how cool would that be.)
7. Get to Italy. ASAP. (Perhaps as corollary to #6.)
8. Cut Grant Morrison some slack. (Because he deserves it.)
9. Write my own book about James Bond if I see one more volume where any instances of engaging historical acumen are UTTERLY RUINED by masturbatory fanboy soapboxing and proofing/editing worthy of a 9-year-old's fanzine.
10. Take more photos. Also, not be such a dick on those rare occasions when people actually want to take my picture.
11. Commit more in the way of foolish yet ultimately harmless acts.
12. Answer the question.

Read: Batman and Son, by Grant Morrison, Andy Kubert, & Jesse Delperdang
Watch: Touchez pas au grisbi (dir. Jacques Becker, 1954)
Listen to: The Book and the Canal, by Calexico

It's hard to come by...

...great dialogue, that is.

After watching The Laughing Policeman a couple of days ago, I called to thank my friend Brandon for recommending it to me. I quoted lines to him that had set me on a roar, as he had told me that the dialogue was some of the best he'd heard in a while.

In that spirit, friends, here's some dialogue that I love. If for no other reason, I present it because it's all--dare I say it--blazing with biff and stingo.

"Whatever you're reachin' for better be a sandwich 'cause you're gonna have to eat it!"

--Lou Gossett, Jr.

The Laughing Policeman

"Oh...Jake...short lawyers. They worry me."

--Bruce Dern

The Laughing Policeman

"How was your lamb?"

"Skewered. One sympathizes."

--Eva Green & Daniel Craig

Casino Royale

"You haven't beaten me. You've sacrificed sure footing for a killing stroke."

--Liam Neeson

Batman Begins

"I haven't lived a good life. I've been bad. Worse than you could know."

"You know, that's good, because if you actually were as innocent as you pretend to be, we'd never get anywhere."

--Mary Astor & Humphrey Bogart

The Maltese Falcon

"You know how to whistle, don't ya, Steve? You just put your lips together and...blow."

--Lauren Bacall

To Have and Have Not

"You want bread, fuck a baker."

--William Petersen

To Live and Die in L.A.

"What, so now you want to commit a robbery?"

"I wouldn't call it that."

"What would you call it?"

"Takin' down a douchebag who's tryin' to break the law."

--John Pankow & William Petersen

To Live and Die in L.A.

"You're just like any other tyro who's prinked himself up for an escapade, hopin' to be a gunslinger like them nickel books are about. You may as well quench your mind of it, 'cause you don't have the ingredients, son."

--Sam Shepard

The Assassination of Jesse James

by the Coward Robert Ford

"Now, I don't wanna kill you, and you don't wanna be dead."

--Danny Glover

Silverado

"I don't like you, Eberlin. I don't like you because you're weak and dishonest. But even more, I don't like you because you're frightened of me, and that disturbs me. I want to know why. You can tell me. I'm a very understanding man."

"You haven't got an ounce of understanding or emotion in your body. You died the moment you were born. And when your heart finally stops beating, it'll be a mere formality."

--Tom Courtenay & Laurence Harvey

A Dandy in Aspic

"Either you're part of the problem or you're part of the solution or you're just part of the landscape."

--Robert De Niro

Ronin

"You never get anyone in The Wings of the Dove saying, 'Inform the Pentagon we need black star cover.'"

"And for me the book is poorer for it."

--Julia Roberts & Hugh Grant

Notting Hill

Heh. Weren't expecting that last one, were you?

The Laughing Policeman and To Live and Die in L.A. both warranted two mentions. And if you can't tell why...um...I pity you.

And by the way...I challenge you to find a sexier use of the ellipsis than that in the Lauren Bacall quote.

And, now, the obligatory speech. I'd give you the opening of Patton, but you probably all know that one. (God, I hope we live in a world where that's true.)

Instead, I'll leave you with Pacino's monologue near the end of Scent of a Woman.

Which I'm typing from memory. I can recite it anytime you like if you require proof.

In fact, I once recited the whole thing for a group of my public speaking students as a reward for a job well done in some now forgotten exercise. (And let's keep that between us, shall we?)

Before we begin, the dialogue that isn't Pacino's belongs to James Rebhorn as the school's resident head-asshole, I mean headmaster. We start with Rebhorn's portion, as he talks about Charlie Simms, played by Chris O'Donnell.

"I'm going to recommend--to the disciplinary committee--that you be expelled, Mr. Simms. You are a cover-up artist and you are a liar."

"But not a snitch!"

"Excuse me?"

"No, I don't think I will."

"Mr. Slade..."

"This is such a crock of shit!"

"Please watch your language, Mr. Slade. You are in the Baird School, not a barracks. Mr. Simms, I will give you one final opportunity to speak up."

"Mr. Simms doesn't want it. He doesn't need to be labeled 'still worthy of being a Baird man.' What the hell is that? What is your motto here? 'Boys, inform on your classmates, save your hide, anything short of that we're gonna burn you at the stake?' Well! Gentlemen! When the shit hits the fan, some guys run, and some guys stay. Here's Charlie, facin' the fire, and there's George, hidin' in big daddy's pocket. And what are you doin'? You're gonna reward George...and destroy Charlie."

"Are you finished, Mr. Slade?"

"No, I'm just gettin' warmed up. I don't know who went to this place. William Howard Taft, William Jennings Bryan, William Tell, whoever. Their spirit is dead, if they ever had one. It's gone. You're buildin' a rat ship here--a vessel for seagoing snitches. And if you think you're preparin' these minnows for manhood, you better think again, because I say you are killin' the very spirit this institution proclaims it instills! What a sham. What kind of a show are you guys puttin' on here today? I mean, the only class in this act...is sittin' next to me, and I'm here to tell you this boy's soul is intact. It's non-negotiable. You know how I know? Someone here--and I'm not gonna say who--offered to buy it...only Charlie here wasn't sellin'."

"Sir, you're out of order."

"Out of order! I'll show you out of order! You don't know what out of order is, Mr. Trask! I'd show you, but I'm too old. I'm too tired. I'm too fuckin' blind. If I were the man I was five years ago, I'd take a flamethrower to this place! Out of order...who the hell you think you're talkin' to? I've been around, you know? There was a time I could see. And I have seen. Boys like these. Younger than these. Their arms torn out! Their legs ripped off! But there is nothin'...like the sight...of an amputated spirit. There is...no prosthetic for that. You think you're merely sendin' this splendid foot soldier back home to Oregon with his tail between his legs, but I say you are executin' his soul! And why? Because he's not a Baird man. Baird men. You hurt this boy, you're gonna be Baird bums, the lot of ya! And Harry...Jimmy...Trent...wherever you are out there...FUCK YOU TOO!"

"Stand down, Mr. Slade!"

"I'm not finished! Now as I came in here, I heard those words: cradle of leadership. Well, when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, and it has fallen here. It has fallen! Makers of men. Creators of leaders. Be careful...what kinda leaders...you're producin' here. I don't know if Charlie's silence here today is right or wrong. I'm not a judge or jury. But I can tell you this: he won't sell anybody out to buy his future! And that, my friends, is called integrity! That's called courage! Now that's the stuff leaders should be made of. Now I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew...what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard. Now here's Charlie. He's come to the crossroads. He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey. You hold this boy's future in your hands, committee! It's a valuable future. Believe me! Don't destroy it. Protect it. Embrace it. It's gonna make you proud one day, I promise you."

Thanks, Little Chef, and You Too, Mr. Stark.

Just some scribblings on a couple of movies I've seen recently. I'll be repeatin' myself to some of you, and for that, my apologies. I think you'll agree; they're things that bear repeatin'.

And, sweet Jesus, I can't believe I'm saying this...SPOILER ALERTS ARE IN EFFECT!!!

Iron Man: All in all, it's a pretty conventional, definitely enjoyable movie. However, it's full of these small touches that make it so much greater than it might have been. The two that really get me are:

1) Usually in any movie with masked characters, during the final showdown scene, one or both of the characters unmasks in a characteristically dramatic fashion. There's no real reason for that action (I'm not referring to scenes where identity is discovered)...other than drama. Iron Man accomplished this unmasking scene in what I thought was a deft and unassuming way. When Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) is fighting Obediah Stane (Jeff Bridges), Tony pulls out Stane's optic cable in his armor, thus necessitating Stane to unmask. As for Tony's mask, Stane's simultaneously pulled it off in hot armor-on-armor action. Thus, we have our hero and our villain unmasked. We can lay our eyes on the actors', without any unnecessary drama.

2) Before the scene I just mentioned, where Tony's leading Stane up into the clouds, Tony's computer informs him about his power loss. Unlike most self-destruct type scenes, where we're constantly hearing a seconds-to-impact countdown, Tony almost immediately says something like, "Stop telling me! Leave up on the display!" Love it. Love. It.

Ratatouille: I realize I'm seeing this much later than, well, everyone else I know. I have to say...this might be my favorite Pixar film. I stress "might;" I should watch The Incredibles again. It's not often I say this--because what do I know about kids' movies--but I feel like this film is packed with important lessons that kids can take away, not to mention the fact that it's stylistically very well put together.

Amidst the magic of the story, though, I was completely blown away by the ending. When food critic Anton Ego (Peter O'Toole) is delivering his review for the little chef's cuisine, he manages to encapsulate, with perfect eloquence and truth, the feeling for which any lover of any art form is in constant quest--be s/he creator, critic, or fan. I give you the quote in its entirety. Don't bother about the names, the plot references...just enjoy the poetry.

"In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so.

"But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. The world is often unkind to new talent, new creations. The new needs friends.

"Last night, I experienced something new...an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about fine cooking is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core.

"In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto, "Anyone can cook." But I realize--only now do I truly understand--what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere.

"It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau's, who is, in this critic's opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France. I will be returning to Gusteau's soon...hungry for more."

To say I adore this speech is a gross understatement. In particular, thinking about the sentence, "The new needs friends," chokes me up. It's the school of the champion critic, and while I'm not championing the new today (until later, anyway), it's the school of which I enjoy being an ever so tiny part.

After all, there is a lot of awful stuff out there to wade through.

But you know what? And I can't believe I'm saying this either: there's a lot more great stuff.

Having all that greatness to look forward to, and getting to share my love of it with my friends...well, there are only a few things in life I enjoy more. And it's truly wondrous when movies or books or music or comics or anything else can grab hold of us like this and shake loose the stars from the sky...only to have them fall in our eyes.

Thanks, Little Chef. I didn't expect to get that from a Disney movie. But that just goes to show you too...anyone can cook.

Man...shake loose the stars from the sky? Well, coming next time...um...an entry on the decline of the zombie in recent years and...um...an evaluation of the best James Bond gadgets.

Eh. What the hell. You people know me.


Read: Come in Alone, by Warren Ellis
Watch: Seriously, if you don't know what I want you to watch here...
Listen to: (A Concise Introduction.) by The Scarring Party

D. Ops Here...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Paul Crocker, Director of Operations for British Intelligence, and my favorite character from the series Queen & Country (created by the incomparable Greg Rucka for Oni Press).

If ya know me at all, you'll see why I love this. If you happen to know the character, then you understand even more.

Chris Samnee did this sketch for me this very day, and I love how it turned out. Generally, I enjoy asking artists to draw characters that they don't often get requests for but are still characters that I love. That way, the artists have fun doing something different, and because they're having a blast drawing the character, I end up enjoying the finished product so much more.

Like so...

Samnee told me it had been a long time since he'd drawn Crocker, and I get the impression that I'm the only guy (in the midwest, at least) who asks for him.

There's a lot to recommend this portrait of the toughest bastard in MI6. The resilient, frosty eyes. The obligatory hanging cig. The hatching on the vest. The obscured hand on the armrest.

Apologies for the unfortunate rhyme.

In the end, though, there are a couple of details that absolutely drive me nuts--in a good way--and they're easily the most boring things on the page. Look under Crocker's seat.

Samnee has put in the controls for raising and for reclining the chair. He didn't have to do that. I mean, it's a sketch, not a finished page. Even so, those two little details give the sketch depth it wouldn't have had otherwise. It also signals to me that he enjoyed being in that "artist's zone" for the time it took him to pencil and ink this.

In the future, I'll post some other sketches I've gotten over the past couple of years. Best to start off with a bang, though.

(TECHNICAL NOTE: Would someone please tell me if you can't enlarge the pic for some reason? I want to make sure you can see it, after all.)

In the meantime, a huge thanks to Chris Samnee...a wonderfully nice guy, and one of the best ops in the field.

For the curious...

The picture in question (which used to be a part of this page's design):

...the panels you see at the top of the page are from Issue #2 of DC Comics' The Question, written by Denny O'Neil, pencilled by Denys Cowan, inked by Rick Magyar (published March 1987).

That's the what.

At left, Richard Dragon, master of the martial arts. At right, Charles Victor Zsasz, aka Vic Sage, aka The Question.

Those are the whos.

Ever since I first read these panels, I've thought constantly about what Richard's saying to Charlie here--not only with regard to Charlie's future choices throughout the series, but also with regard to my own impulses and thought processes. There are worse nerves to be stricken, I suppose.

And that's the why, for the curious...


Read: The Question: Zen and Violence, by Denny O'Neil, Denys Cowan, & Rick Magyar
Watch: A Dandy in Aspic (dir. Anthony Mann, 1968)
Listen to: Reconstruction Site, by The Weakerthans