After watching The Laughing Policeman a couple of days ago, I called to thank my friend Brandon for recommending it to me. I quoted lines to him that had set me on a roar, as he had told me that the dialogue was some of the best he'd heard in a while.
In that spirit, friends, here's some dialogue that I love. If for no other reason, I present it because it's all--dare I say it--blazing with biff and stingo.
"Whatever you're reachin' for better be a sandwich 'cause you're gonna have to eat it!"
--Lou Gossett, Jr.
The Laughing Policeman
"Oh...Jake...short lawyers. They worry me."
--Bruce Dern
The Laughing Policeman
"How was your lamb?"
"Skewered. One sympathizes."
--Eva Green & Daniel Craig
Casino Royale
"You haven't beaten me. You've sacrificed sure footing for a killing stroke."
--Liam Neeson
Batman Begins
"I haven't lived a good life. I've been bad. Worse than you could know."
"You know, that's good, because if you actually were as innocent as you pretend to be, we'd never get anywhere."
--Mary Astor & Humphrey Bogart
The Maltese Falcon
"You know how to whistle, don't ya, Steve? You just put your lips together and...blow."
--Lauren Bacall
To Have and Have Not
"You want bread, fuck a baker."
--William Petersen
To Live and Die in L.A.
"What, so now you want to commit a robbery?"
"I wouldn't call it that."
"What would you call it?"
"Takin' down a douchebag who's tryin' to break the law."
--John Pankow & William Petersen
To Live and Die in L.A.
"You're just like any other tyro who's prinked himself up for an escapade, hopin' to be a gunslinger like them nickel books are about. You may as well quench your mind of it, 'cause you don't have the ingredients, son."
--Sam Shepard
The Assassination of Jesse James
by the Coward Robert Ford
"Now, I don't wanna kill you, and you don't wanna be dead."
--Danny Glover
Silverado
"I don't like you, Eberlin. I don't like you because you're weak and dishonest. But even more, I don't like you because you're frightened of me, and that disturbs me. I want to know why. You can tell me. I'm a very understanding man."
"You haven't got an ounce of understanding or emotion in your body. You died the moment you were born. And when your heart finally stops beating, it'll be a mere formality."
--Tom Courtenay & Laurence Harvey
A Dandy in Aspic
"Either you're part of the problem or you're part of the solution or you're just part of the landscape."
--Robert De Niro
Ronin
"You never get anyone in The Wings of the Dove saying, 'Inform the Pentagon we need black star cover.'"
"And for me the book is poorer for it."
--Julia Roberts & Hugh Grant
Notting Hill
Heh. Weren't expecting that last one, were you?
The Laughing Policeman and To Live and Die in L.A. both warranted two mentions. And if you can't tell why...um...I pity you.
And by the way...I challenge you to find a sexier use of the ellipsis than that in the Lauren Bacall quote.
And, now, the obligatory speech. I'd give you the opening of Patton, but you probably all know that one. (God, I hope we live in a world where that's true.)
Instead, I'll leave you with Pacino's monologue near the end of Scent of a Woman.
Which I'm typing from memory. I can recite it anytime you like if you require proof.
In fact, I once recited the whole thing for a group of my public speaking students as a reward for a job well done in some now forgotten exercise. (And let's keep that between us, shall we?)
Before we begin, the dialogue that isn't Pacino's belongs to James Rebhorn as the school's resident head-asshole, I mean headmaster. We start with Rebhorn's portion, as he talks about Charlie Simms, played by Chris O'Donnell.
"I'm going to recommend--to the disciplinary committee--that you be expelled, Mr. Simms. You are a cover-up artist and you are a liar."
"But not a snitch!"
"Excuse me?"
"No, I don't think I will."
"Mr. Slade..."
"This is such a crock of shit!"
"Please watch your language, Mr. Slade. You are in the Baird School, not a barracks. Mr. Simms, I will give you one final opportunity to speak up."
"Mr. Simms doesn't want it. He doesn't need to be labeled 'still worthy of being a Baird man.' What the hell is that? What is your motto here? 'Boys, inform on your classmates, save your hide, anything short of that we're gonna burn you at the stake?' Well! Gentlemen! When the shit hits the fan, some guys run, and some guys stay. Here's Charlie, facin' the fire, and there's George, hidin' in big daddy's pocket. And what are you doin'? You're gonna reward George...and destroy Charlie."
"Are you finished, Mr. Slade?"
"No, I'm just gettin' warmed up. I don't know who went to this place. William Howard Taft, William Jennings Bryan, William Tell, whoever. Their spirit is dead, if they ever had one. It's gone. You're buildin' a rat ship here--a vessel for seagoing snitches. And if you think you're preparin' these minnows for manhood, you better think again, because I say you are killin' the very spirit this institution proclaims it instills! What a sham. What kind of a show are you guys puttin' on here today? I mean, the only class in this act...is sittin' next to me, and I'm here to tell you this boy's soul is intact. It's non-negotiable. You know how I know? Someone here--and I'm not gonna say who--offered to buy it...only Charlie here wasn't sellin'."
"Sir, you're out of order."
"Out of order! I'll show you out of order! You don't know what out of order is, Mr. Trask! I'd show you, but I'm too old. I'm too tired. I'm too fuckin' blind. If I were the man I was five years ago, I'd take a flamethrower to this place! Out of order...who the hell you think you're talkin' to? I've been around, you know? There was a time I could see. And I have seen. Boys like these. Younger than these. Their arms torn out! Their legs ripped off! But there is nothin'...like the sight...of an amputated spirit. There is...no prosthetic for that. You think you're merely sendin' this splendid foot soldier back home to Oregon with his tail between his legs, but I say you are executin' his soul! And why? Because he's not a Baird man. Baird men. You hurt this boy, you're gonna be Baird bums, the lot of ya! And Harry...Jimmy...Trent...wherever you are out there...FUCK YOU TOO!"
"Stand down, Mr. Slade!"
"I'm not finished! Now as I came in here, I heard those words: cradle of leadership. Well, when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, and it has fallen here. It has fallen! Makers of men. Creators of leaders. Be careful...what kinda leaders...you're producin' here. I don't know if Charlie's silence here today is right or wrong. I'm not a judge or jury. But I can tell you this: he won't sell anybody out to buy his future! And that, my friends, is called integrity! That's called courage! Now that's the stuff leaders should be made of. Now I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew...what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard. Now here's Charlie. He's come to the crossroads. He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey. You hold this boy's future in your hands, committee! It's a valuable future. Believe me! Don't destroy it. Protect it. Embrace it. It's gonna make you proud one day, I promise you."
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