30 Get You Greatness, 3 Get You Damned

Some friends and I were discussing movies over lunch one day several years ago, and we got on the subject of Die Another Day. I quickly broke into my usual spiel: how it's the failed masterpiece of the James Bond series, how I lay the blame at Halle Berry's doorstep, etc. One of the people at the table then proceeded to say one of the most brilliant things I've ever heard:

"Yeah, but at least there were hovercrafts. A movie can't be all bad if it's got hovercrafts."

Hilarious as that statement is, I have thought about it pretty much daily for the past 5 years. What are the elements you can have in your movie and automatically make it better? Make a wretched film tolerable? Make a solid film memorable?

Discussions with friends (you all know who you are), combined with my own ceaseless thought, have produced a list. This one's off the top of my head and is, of course, by no means comprehensive.

If you want to improve your movie, use any or all of these.

(DISCLAIMER: Use of all of these elements in a movie could jeopardize the future of cinematic entertainment by possibly creating the greatest movie the world's ever seen, thus wreaking devastation in the collective consciousness of heretofore untold proportions. So for God's sake, man, show some moderation!)

In no particular order:

1. hovercrafts
2. zombies (dangerously close to removal due to overuse)
3. someone wearing a monocle
4. ninjas
5. use of the phrase "moon cannon"
6. an ejector seat (only one per car; more than that would just be silly)
7. random bullwhip fights (see El Topo for example par excellence)
8. cane swords
9. Martians
10. jet packs
11. a band of misfits coming together to make a family (see The Outlaw Josey Wales, Serenity)
12. brassy score (for best modern examples, see David Arnold, Michael Giacchino)
13. fedoras
14. extended scenes/sequences sans dialogue
15. biplanes and/or triplanes
16. tommy guns
17. capes and cloaks (not merely in a superhero context; add a dash of top hat for flavor)
18. 78-82 minute runtime (see Budd Boetticher)
19. snow (only as applies to Westerns; see The Great Silence, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford)
20. revolvers with silencers (which, news flash, don't work in the real world, kids)
21. moats (alligators optional but preferred)
22. cracked safes
23. prison escapes
24. random musical interlude (either a nightclub sequence like Rififi or, as a friend once said, when a scene becomes so emotional it can only be properly conveyed by bursting into song, for which I would invoke Magnolia)
25. lasers (particularly as obstacles to the aforementioned cracked safes)
26. flamethrowers (only as applies to comedies; see Spies Like Us, Spaceballs)
27. kids who ride bikes and fight evil (see The Monster Squad)
28. use of the word "crawfish" as a verb
29. Cate Blanchett
30. ...and Anthony Wong

A teaser for the list of things that automatically make your movie worse:

1. Sean Penn as director
2. use of the phrase, "72 Hours Earlier," after the first few minutes of the film
3. Juliette Lewis

So, what elements do you think automatically make movies better? Comments are both welcome and encouraged. (Crap, how could I forget? Pool halls!)

Good day, all.


Read: The Gunslinger, by Stephen King
Watch: Walk on Water (dir. Eytan Fox, 2004)
Listen to: Watch the Fireworks, by Emma Pollock